Not in the mood - Entry #3 toward my show on being bipolar, black, woman, artist, etc.

If you are on Facebook, click View Original Post to see the whole blog.

Ok I am not in the mood to write anything. I have been re-adjusting my meds. I had to come off of lithium, which I used to curse. Looks like it is becoming threatening to the health of my kidneys, and they are more important than I really can fathom. So my ultra-cautious psychiatrist of 17 years (who I also have cursed repeatedly) asked me to try Depakote. I started on one pill a day, but after I got blood taken, it seems that it is not enough. So now I am taking two pills a day, but I don't feel much better. Matter of fact, the last time I was feeling on the upside of ok was probably just the bipolar disorder cycling in a mild way. So now I am thinking I might have liked lithium better than I knew. I went for several years with very few problems on lithium. What if Depakote doesn't work? There is no certainty to any of this, which is why I cursed my psychiatrist and his whole field for so long. What to do....

Interesting video about one man with bipolar:



That's the confusing thing about all this. I don't know what I can attribute my good moods to - a low, manageable mania or my own ability to see the beauty in life. I have never really had a REALLY high mania, only mixed states where I am scared of everyone and everything and can't sleep. But maybe I get what they call hypomania, where I am just in a state of joy because of how amazing the world is. I know some days it is hard to recognize even the most obvious blessings. I have done so much reading on how to train my mind toward gratitude. But living with a mental illness can wipe all of the self-help authors' words right down the drain and it frustrates me. I get scared that what has happened in so many studies will happen to me - that my depression and paranoia and anxiety and delusions will become harder to quell as I get older, as I have to change meds for reasons beyond my control.



Come to think of it, this whole thing, and life itself feels out of my control. I have to find a creative way to put this in the show. For now I will just get out the basic feelings for shaping later. I don't want the beginning of this journey to feel constrained by my critical mind. So there it is. The downside of being "different". Which in some way we all are I suppose.

To anyone reading this entry: thanks for reading and understand that there is nothing to worry about. You may have never seen this side of me, but then again, that's what the show is for. I think we all have "dark" areas, fears, places where we sit in self-pity. My job as a teaching artist is to bring it out in the open so it can get some oxygen and heal.


here's a journal entry from 11/30/00, just before a minor episode:

sometimes I well up with tears
endlessly discussing, relating, not facing
my fears
of being lost forever
of finding hard times
or maybe even that i will reach a goal
just to realize it was the wrong one
i walk alone surrounded by uncertainty...
i need to get my creativity and energy back...
I feel so drained I hate this feeling of embarrassment
life is so lonely even surrounded by people.
it becomes so blurry
but I said I would not feel sorry for myself.

I posted the above just to share what it feels like when depression has called and announced that she is coming to pay a visit. But she hasn't come to knock on your door just yet. As I continue to write I will share some of the other excerpts from my journals. Sometimes it is still uncomfortable to read them. Not to mention I gotta change/take out some names for identity protection!

I have officially completed my assignment, which was to write something, anything, so I can keep this baby rolling. Not that rolling babies is my thing. Stay tuned...

Creatively,

Kali

Hawk omens & Names for the baby

Alright, so I am further on my way to November 2010, the debut of my show about being a black woman with bipolar disorder.

I told my mama I had committed myself to writing this show. As always, she listened, encouraged, and then.....GASPED. Turns out as I was talking a large hawk landed on her deck, so close she felt she could reach out and let it peck her arm to death. Seriously, though, she decided it was a good omen. She generously loaned the silent bird-of-prey's energy to my project and my new lease on life. I looked up hawks in a book on animal totems that I have. Sure enough it backed up my mother's insights. Hawks, in many indigenous cultures, represent vision, guidance, and soaring to new heights. The hawk sat for our whole conversation. The stamp has been pressed, at least in our book.

So I have been brainstorming a lot. I know the task will be to sit my tail down and get all of these ideas out, then cut the mess out of them so I don't have a 10 hr. monologue to give y'all at the end of all this.


I brainstormed titles - some were horrible, others have promise. Let me know what you think:

• Certified Crazy

• Insane Inside
  
• So Damned Blessed
  
• Danger to Self and Others (boo!)
  
• Delusions
  
• Medicated
  
• Fire and Blues
  
• Drowning in Red
  
• Chaos' Funeral/Abyss/Grave/Torture
  
• Fury Don't Rest
  
• Storm (also the name of a song I wrote which will likely be in the show)
  
• Unwelcome Gifts (I kinda like this one - sounds like a memoir)
  
• Peace to Panic
  
• Constant Unrest
  
• Pills for Life

• Life's Pill/Life Pills
  
• (Living?) Inside Fear
  
• Color Me Crazy (too hokey?)

• Never Would Have Guessed/ You'll Never Guess

• World of Distortion(s)/Distorted World
  

Of course, the final title will be chosen after I actually WRITE THE SHOW. But that is happening, too, I can't believe it but I am writing scenes on notecards to be shuffled and put in order later. So excited to share, thanks for reading!

Feedback is appreciated.

Have a creative day,

Kali

http://www.kaliferguson.com/
kali@kaliferguson.com

No, seriously, I am birthing myself again....

Where to begin (don't you hate it when people say that - we know where tostart!)? I am all but done with a fellowship at Arts for Life North Carolina, http://www.aflnc.org/, teaching creative writing to children with cancer and other chronic and sometimes terminal illnesses. It was a short but enriching experience. They trusted me to record a CD project for them that was the ultimate fun!

I got to work with the extremely creative and professional John Cloer of Velvet Rope Productions and The Cloers. He produced and recorded the cd's as well as going beyond what we asked and doing the vivid graphics and sound effects. Visit The Cloers' blog for a sound clip and more information on their work at http://www.thecloers.com/.

CD1:

I learned how to have faith in the kid's ability to handle what they were given. I saw a quiet bravery and a hunger to express in the "patients" as I stumbled for words and held back tears watching them bear what seems to be a crazy fate. Don't get me wrong, many of them are survivors and will go on to lead full, long lives. But they never know. So I hope we helped make their lives full for whatever time they have.

CD2:

Speaking of bearing burdens, during the fellowship I had many personal life adjustments to make due to my bouts with severe bipolar disorder. I had to fight off sharp anxiety and blunt depression while remaining supportive of the children at the hospital and pulling off my other work commitments - school gigs, community programs, private shows, commissioned projects, etc. I am not complaining. We all have challenges and mine are minute compared to so many that never get to express their pain.

Nevertheless, bipolar disorder is what some call a "hidden disability" and although I was originally diagnosed with it 17 years ago, it flares up with stress and lack of personal care. That's what happened this spring. It had been about 4 years since I had gotten this close to feeling the terror that comes with feeling safe in no place, not even in my own home or with my closest friends and family members. I have vowed to myself to live a life not hindered by that, and that meant I had to chill. At least for a hot minute. But I'm back (the minute was scorching, couldn't sit for long)!

The fellowship ended for me May 31, 2009. I am now still doing all those other things that make up my business, CommuniCulture. But because of a stirring in my gut that has been building up since I began to get control over this challenge, I have committed, TONIGHT, to produce a work recapturing my adventures in the land of manic depression. I hope you will come along. Projected production date: Fall 2010. Let me know if you have time or energy that will help make this happen. I'll be posting updates here frequently.

See you then (but hopefully sooner),
Kalicious