The Park - for my show on mental health & spirituality

The Park

When nothing else made good sense, Prospect Park was safe. Green, sienna, gold too, in that season. I hid there and wandered; treks and pseudo-adventures helped me escape and explore my twisted mind.

The space was large enough for a girl to lose herself comfortably. But it was contrived enough not to scare me when I did just that. September-October-Northern-Fall felt panicked to me, everywhere insane except on park grounds. I would've lived there if I had thought I could.

My mixed states - paranoia, anxiety, disapproving self-image - always expanded and exposed my vulnerabilities. I was powerless to nature's warmth. That was good. I was over-influenced by people and their "energy". That was usually distorted and frightening. Refuge became the browning trees, the autumn color palate, the pond, the old cement building that hovered over it. I was anonymous and cherished in the same moment. My chest stilled a little there, even my most frantic consciousness.

My childhood friend even walked with me there once. She wasn't selfish then, or vain, or in denial like usual. Her demeanor softened. She nobly attempted to accept and make sense of my antics. She was secretly challenged just to maintain her own life, despite being nearly miserable herself. At least that's how I see her as I look back on that era. Maybe I've distorted the past - maybe she wasn't holding in the hurt I would have known had I lived her life. Only she knows for sure.

I tend to forget that everyone isn't as sensitive as I, or necessarily as reflective. Therefore, all people may not feel the agony of their wounds or the heights of bliss that I do. Perhaps they're capable of it, but it seems we need an unexpected emotional jolt to re-open that kind of feeling in this day, time, place. More folks are trained to be modern, with-it, so to speak. But coolness carries the burden of closing off to our inner-tender, those raw responses to life we supposedly came to the planet with as babies.

I really have little sense of what's what when it comes to this. I just know my own perception is highly attuned to EVERYTHING, imagined or not.

to be continued...