Not in the mood - Entry #3 toward my show on being bipolar, black, woman, artist, etc.

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Ok I am not in the mood to write anything. I have been re-adjusting my meds. I had to come off of lithium, which I used to curse. Looks like it is becoming threatening to the health of my kidneys, and they are more important than I really can fathom. So my ultra-cautious psychiatrist of 17 years (who I also have cursed repeatedly) asked me to try Depakote. I started on one pill a day, but after I got blood taken, it seems that it is not enough. So now I am taking two pills a day, but I don't feel much better. Matter of fact, the last time I was feeling on the upside of ok was probably just the bipolar disorder cycling in a mild way. So now I am thinking I might have liked lithium better than I knew. I went for several years with very few problems on lithium. What if Depakote doesn't work? There is no certainty to any of this, which is why I cursed my psychiatrist and his whole field for so long. What to do....

Interesting video about one man with bipolar:



That's the confusing thing about all this. I don't know what I can attribute my good moods to - a low, manageable mania or my own ability to see the beauty in life. I have never really had a REALLY high mania, only mixed states where I am scared of everyone and everything and can't sleep. But maybe I get what they call hypomania, where I am just in a state of joy because of how amazing the world is. I know some days it is hard to recognize even the most obvious blessings. I have done so much reading on how to train my mind toward gratitude. But living with a mental illness can wipe all of the self-help authors' words right down the drain and it frustrates me. I get scared that what has happened in so many studies will happen to me - that my depression and paranoia and anxiety and delusions will become harder to quell as I get older, as I have to change meds for reasons beyond my control.



Come to think of it, this whole thing, and life itself feels out of my control. I have to find a creative way to put this in the show. For now I will just get out the basic feelings for shaping later. I don't want the beginning of this journey to feel constrained by my critical mind. So there it is. The downside of being "different". Which in some way we all are I suppose.

To anyone reading this entry: thanks for reading and understand that there is nothing to worry about. You may have never seen this side of me, but then again, that's what the show is for. I think we all have "dark" areas, fears, places where we sit in self-pity. My job as a teaching artist is to bring it out in the open so it can get some oxygen and heal.


here's a journal entry from 11/30/00, just before a minor episode:

sometimes I well up with tears
endlessly discussing, relating, not facing
my fears
of being lost forever
of finding hard times
or maybe even that i will reach a goal
just to realize it was the wrong one
i walk alone surrounded by uncertainty...
i need to get my creativity and energy back...
I feel so drained I hate this feeling of embarrassment
life is so lonely even surrounded by people.
it becomes so blurry
but I said I would not feel sorry for myself.

I posted the above just to share what it feels like when depression has called and announced that she is coming to pay a visit. But she hasn't come to knock on your door just yet. As I continue to write I will share some of the other excerpts from my journals. Sometimes it is still uncomfortable to read them. Not to mention I gotta change/take out some names for identity protection!

I have officially completed my assignment, which was to write something, anything, so I can keep this baby rolling. Not that rolling babies is my thing. Stay tuned...

Creatively,

Kali